The Shining (1997 Version)

Never, Never, Never in the history of the cinematic universe has there been a more abominable remake that the AWFUL CBS remake of the classic Stanley Kubrick horror opus THE SHINING (1980) than atrocious idiocy and utter embarrassment that was aborted onto the airwaves in 1997.

I remember seeing the original TV ads for THE SHINING back in 1980 and the insidious theme music playing over the haunting visual images of an unhinged Jack Nicholson stalking his son through the hedge maze was thoroughly and utterly terrifying. Apparently these images connected with audiences strong enough to pull in $50+ Million dollars at the box office and the film continues to find a new audience to this day.

This is not to even remotely try to insinuate that Kubrick's film is without any flaws. The film is very confusing in spots as it is never really clear how the telepathic Shining powers tie in with the insane father with the ghosts living in the Overbrook Hotel, etc. The film is mostly style or substance and suffers from the fact that it really needed to be a three hour film in order to tell a more coherent story.

Stephen King was not a fan of the film and likened it to a "big beautiful car with no engine." So, when King announced he would be writing a screenplay that would be a literal, direct adaptation of his novel as a TV miniseries, people were intrigued and titillated. Then King actually wrote the screenplay. And then the script was actually made. And, oh boy, was the audience shafted.

Ok. In the original novel Jack Torrance did not use an axe to butcher people, he used a croquette mallet. You would think that King would have understood that the axe was a good change and that no one would take a croquette mallet serious. In fact, when the mallet is used to beat people, instead of striking fear looks like a live action version of Quick Draw McGraw El Ka-bonging villains with his guitar.

This whole mini-series comes off like one of those perpetually awful Lifetime Television For Women snooze-fests that only 70 year old grandmas or people of all ages with child like minds seem to enjoy.

Steven Weber is a pretty weak replacement for Jack Nicholson to put it mildly. His portrayal of Jack Torrance changes him from the psychotic from the first film to someone with the demeanor of a tax accountant. Weber babbles about being a recovering alcoholic and his performance will turn the viewer into one. Rebecca De Mornay is equally pitiful and annoying and you will literally be hoping that the film ends with her getting hit over the head with the croquet mallet REALLY HARD. Mercifully, Melvin Van Peebles pops up now and then to steal the show, but his appearances are too brief and sporadic. (Why did he never become a huge star after the success of SWEET SWEETBACK in 1971?) And, oh, the ghosts. NEVR, EVER, EVER HAS THERE BEEN A LESS MENACING SET OF SPIRITS IN THE HISTORY OF THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. They simply closer to guests who won't leave a party rather than evil entities.

And the kid really has to go. He's obnoxious and annoying and as much as I feel like requiting Paul Newman's famous observation of a woman's son in the film SLAPSHOT, since the lines Mr. Newman uttered were very R Rated, I'll skip them at this juncture.

Seriously, I wanted to beat everyone involved with this film up with a croquette mallet and then beat myself over the head with one as an act of self flagellation for actually watching this whole thing to the very end. Maybe it is because I was in denial that anyone could purposely make such a boring film and that something cool like Godzilla showing up and doing the rubber suit war dance on the hotel in the last half hour, but, alack, it was not to be and I lost over 180 minutes of my life and I will never get them back.

This is a horribly boring three hour waste of time that should be avoided by anyone who has friends.

NEGATIVE FIVE HUNDRED STARS - AN ALL TIME LOW!